HELLOOOOO Courtship

I walked outside my apartment building and I see a man walking towards me with a bouquet of flowers. I met this man on March 28^th 2014 at Bible study. September 28^th 2014, made 6 months I had been friends with this man. Within those 6 months he had sent me flowers from LA all the way to my job in NY, so when I saw him walking towards me with flowers I did not think anything of it except, “Awww how sweet, he got me flowers and I love flowers.” Well, boy was I wrong. When he finally reach me he said, “Wendiss Star Rush would you do me the honor of courting me with the intent of marriage?” and I said, “Can I think about it?” and he said, “Yes.” So I started listing all the good, the bad and the ugly things and I was trying to figure out IF finally my time had come to let go of my gift of singleness. In the end I told him, “Yes, I will enter into a courtship with you, with the intent of marriage.” Ok Ok Ok …lets take it back about 6 years when I did not even know what the word courtship meant and discuss a little bit of my journey of loving my singleness and growing in JESUS:

College

            It was so hard to stay single during college because it seemed like everybody around me was in a relationship and quite naturally since I was focused on other people I wanted what other people had. However, instead of entering into a relationship without substance I decided to “talk” to people in college but nothing was ever serious. It wasn’t until my 2^nd year of college that my big cousin Robert told me about a book that he read and gave me a copy to read. The name of the book was Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris. The Lord used this book to help me to see how HE wants things to be done in a relationship. I realized that along the way I picked up bad habits about what a “relationship” is suppose to look like and for the most part I only really knew how a “worldly” relationship looked. In this book Pastor Harris really broke down what a God HONORING courtship/relationship looks like. All of my ideas and standards for a relationship changed. I begin to realize my worth as a woman and realized singleness was not a bad thing. I realized that FRIENDSHIP was a big part of the pie, which many people I knew did not take seriously. I use to think that after a couple of weeks of knowing a man it was fine to enter into a relationship.  I still had bad habits that needed to change and my mind still needed to be renewed by the Lord when it came to so many aspects of “relationships”. I must say that when I started to get in my Word and grow in my relationship with Jesus, I grew spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I was finally beginning to become content in my singleness and viewing singleness as a gift. It did not happen over night BUT I had to STOP looking at other people relationships and thinking I was missing out. I learned that everything that looks “good” is NOT good. Moreover, I realized that most of the relationships I was looking at was not trying to honor the Lord and they were caught up in infatuation and lust.

            Ok let’s jump to my last year of college. My last year of college my friend Christina Q. asked me to co-lead a Bible study called Joyful Black Christian (JBC) and I told her no. I am so glad the Lord changed my mind and that I became a Bible study leader because the Lord used that time to build up my CHARACTER. During that time the Lord showed me how unready I was to be in a relationship. It is so funny how we think we are “ready” and then we run ahead of the Lord’s timing and enter into a relationship. I learned that the, “RIGHT THING, at the WRONG TIME, is still the WRONG THING.” Timing is everything. I needed to learn how to trust the Lord’s timing even if I did not understand it. I begin to pray and ask the Lord to prepare me for my husband NOT boyfriend. I begin to ask the Lord to prepare me to be a good wife NOT girlfriend. The truth is we put so much emphasis on boyfriend and girlfriend SHIPs that when we enter a marriage we are not ready for a MARRIAGE-ship. I begin to pray about what I wanted in a husband and did not want. I remember hearing a pastor say if you pray for a man you will get just that “a man” and he said God is a detailed God and that folks should pray in detail. I started praying with MORE detail asking the Lord to give me a patient, kind, and husband that will love me like Christ love the church. I started to read Proverbs 31 and started praying about being a Proverbs 31 type of woman one-day wife. I realized that singleness is not a time of boredom or a time to “talk” to people and test the waters but a time of preparation and character building. 

After college

            After college I was so content in my singleness and just enjoying my friends and Jesus. However, I would still have moments of “Ummmmm, so I want a boo now” and those were some of my worst moments because in those moments I became weak and made poor decisions. ALL I can say is thank you JESUS for great accountability partners (Anisa and Christina) and sisters/friends (Alex, Rockie, Jordan, Nadine, Ash Q., KayKay, Amber and Martina N.) and most of all His mercy and grace.

              Ok ok ok let’s speed it up a bit. In February I planned to move to New York in June and then in March I met a man in Bible study and it changed my life. I could not believe that I was moving in less than 3 months and I met a man that I really liked. I was like, “Really, Lord, this is your timing?” I had to realize that the Lord works in mysterious ways. This man and I embarked on a friendship and not one of those 2 weeks friendships and then all of a sudden we are a couple. We remained friends for 6 months and grew in Christ together, made mistakes together, learned together, repented together, laughed together and grew more and more in friendship. I can’t stress enough how important a friendship is before you decide to be with a man or woman.

I was single for almost 6 years and it was the time I learned so much about myself and what I want and do not want. Sadly, so many people want to be in a “relationship” so bad that they do not experience the gift of singleness and learning who they are. I learned that it is good to WAIT on the Lord and his timing.

                                                                        Present Day

            Ok now I am in a courtship and it MAY NOT work out or it MAY end in marriage. The truth is I do not know how it will end. I do know that we both plan to HONOR the Lord and HONOR each other in this season and either way it goes, whether it ends in marriage or not, we will both be okay. It is something about doing things in a way that is pleasing to the Lord that leaves both parties emotionally stable no matter what the outcome. However, when we take things into our own hands and are premature, someone always gets hurt. IF you are single and are unhappy with being single, please change your perspective of how you view singleness. If you are in a relationship and are a Christian please EVALUATE your relationship according to what God says and not what the world says.

I am so glad to be in this season of my life and I can honestly say I enjoyed my season of singleness. I am excited to read Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to courtship with the man I am in a courtship with now. Thank you Chandler Dean Ingram for our friendship and now our courtship.

HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO COURTSHIP…

A LOVE STORY, FOR THE FEMALES/MALES

By Krystal Hawkins

"I was stumbling along the road in life’s journey when I came to a fork in the road. As I approached the fork in the road trying to decide which path to take, a very handsome king named World approached me and told me how beautiful I was and that I should go left and spend my life with him where he’d make me his queen and satisfy my desires. As I stand at the fork contemplating the direction of my life, World shows his love for me in promising me a long life where all of my dreams come true, my dream job, my dream car, my house and family. He tells me tho we just met, it was love at first sight and we’re made for each other. Then Jesus stepped in, telling me to go right and says He has a love that far surpasses all others. But my life with Him won’t be glamorous or easy. He says with Him I’ll have to die but I’ll live, I may be poor, but I’ll be rich, I’ll suffer but I’ll have constant joy. As He speaks, He senses my confusion and as the world kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, Jesus says ‘I’ll just show you my love, wait right here’.

When He let them take Him in the garden of Gethsemane, He turned to me and said ‘I do it for you my love’. As He stood before the crowd and they punched and spit on Him, before allowing another blow to His swollen face, He turned and said “I’ll take it for you my love”. After every crack of the whip, He turned as blood dripped from His face and said ‘For you my love’. As a crown of thorns ripped the skin of His forehead, He looked up and said ‘this pain for you My love’. As the first nail pierced the flesh of His soft hand, He looked over to me and said “my wounds for you My love”. As He hung on the Cross slowly letting go of life, He looked past His crying mother at me and said “because I love you”.

As I looked at Jesus dying on the Cross, World came up from behind me, wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and said, ‘but don’t you need someone to hold you on a cold winter day, someone to text you just to say you’re beautiful and someone to take you to your favorite restaurant. You need someone to give you roses on Valentines, to make you feel special and sweep you off your feet. And before I knew it, I had walked AWAY from Jesus who hung there dying for me on the Cross and was walking hand in hand with world down his path. And world promised me many things, but he never promised to be faithful and true, to be patient and understanding and he never promised not to hurt me. So one day after I had gotten so low, so full from swine slops and so hurt, I left world and with a broken heart and a shattered spirit, I ran. I ran back to Jesus who was still on the Cross with Him arms stretched and dried blood on His brow, smiled at me and said warmly “I knew you’d be back My love. With eyes filled with tears and a heart filled with shame, I mustered a smile, climbed up on the cross and died with Him. But we rose together three days later-He with all power and authority and me with a new heart and a new spirit-His Spirit dwelling inside of me. So as we walk hand in hand together through life-I see His love in a beautiful butterfly, a passing cloud, 66 love letters, and through others. And even if I fall along our journey, He reaches out His right hand to pick me up, dust me off and keep walking as if He never saw it.

As iron sharpens iron, let us learn from each other and not let physical and instant gratification and attraction, steer us from the Only one who brings TRUE SATISFACTION."

FOR THE MALES 

"I was stumbling along the road in life’s journey when I came to a fork in the road. As I approached the fork in the road trying to decide which path to take, a very beautiful queen named World approached me and told me how handsome I was and that I should go left and spend my life with her where she’d make me her King and satisfy my desires. 

As I stand at the fork contemplating the direction of my life, World shows her love for me in promising me a long life where all of my dreams come true, my dream job, my dream car, my house and family. She tells me tho we just met, it was love at first sight and we’re made for each other. Then Jesus stepped in, telling me to go right and says He has a love that far surpasses all others. But my life with Him won’t be glamorous or easy. He says with Him I’ll have to die but I’ll live, I may be poor, but I’ll be rich, I’ll suffer but I’ll have constant joy. As He speaks, He senses my confusion and as the world kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, Jesus says ‘I’ll just show you my love, wait right here’.

When He let them take Him in the garden of Gethsemane, He turned to me and said ‘I do it for you my love’. As He stood before the crowd and they punched and spit on Him, before allowing another blow to His swollen face, He turned and said “I’ll take it for you my love”. After every crack of the whip, He turned as blood dripped from His face and said ‘For you my love’. As a crown of thorns ripped the skin of His forehead, He looked up and said ‘this pain for you My love’. As the first nail pierced the flesh of His soft hand, He looked over to me and said “my wounds for you My love”. As He hung on the Cross slowly letting go of life, He looked past His crying mother at me and said “because I love you”.

As I looked at Jesus dying on the Cross, World came up from behind me, wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and said, ‘but don’t you need someone to hold you on a cold winter day, someone to text you just to say "you’re the man" and someone to take you to your favorite restaurant. You need someone to call your Valentines, to make you feel special and sweep you off your feet. And before I knew it, I had walked AWAY from Jesus who hung there dying for me on the Cross and was walking hand in hand with world down her path. And world promised me many things, but she never promised to be faithful and true, to be patient and understanding and she never promised not to hurt me. So one day after I had gotten so low, so full from swine slops and so hurt, I left world and with a broken heart and a shattered spirit, I ran. I ran back to Jesus who was still on the Cross with Him arms stretched and dried blood on His brow, smiled at me and said warmly “I knew you’d be back My love. With eyes filled with tears and a heart filled with shame, I mustered a smile, climbed up on the cross and died with Him. 

But we rose together three days later-He with all power and authority and me with a new heart and a new spirit-His Spirit dwelling inside of me. So as we walk hand in hand together through life-I see His love in a beautiful butterfly, a passing cloud, 66 love letters, and through others. And even if I fall along our journey, He reaches out His right hand to pick me up, dust me off and keep walking as if He never saw it.

As iron sharpens iron, let us learn from each other and not let physical and instant gratification and attraction, steer us from the Only one who brings TRUE SATISFACTION."

Sex, Sex, SEX

By Wendiss Star

             What did you learn growing up about sex? Did you learn that sex was bad and that you should stay away from sex? Did your parents teach you about sex? Did your church tell you about sex? Did TV teach you about sex? When it comes to the topic of sex it is important to understand where you FIRST LEARNED about sex and who presented what to you and how they presented it. Many people growing up either learned about sex from their friends, TV, or church. Not many people I have talk to ever said their parents taught them about sex. Most people who stories I have heard goes a little something like this, “I was told not to have sex till marriage and that if I did I am going to hell.” Now the problem with this message is that no one is explaining to the boy or girl WHY he or she should wait to have sex and the IMPORTANCE of waiting. Instead we tell our children JUST DON’T HAVE SEX without any explanation and we foolishly expect them to wait. Consequently, people do not wait and often times they end up with this notion of sex that is negative and think sex is this bad, bad thing.

Sex has NEVER been a bad thing. The TRUTH about sex is it is GOOD, it is BEAUTIFUL and it is a GIFT from God.

Before we can go any further we have to get two things straight.

1. What is sex ?

Sex is a Blessing

Sex is an enjoyable Gift from God

Sex is a covenant

Sex is a soul tie

2. Who did God create sex for?

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:2-4

Ok now that we understand that sex is NOT bad and that God created sex for man and woman to enjoy in MARRIAGE we can proceed. 

          “Some people have the mistaken notion that God is ANTI-SEX. In fact, He’s outspokenly PRO-SEX. He invented it. What an incredible thought! PASSIONATE sex was God’s Idea. He isn’t embarrassed by it. Song of Songs is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to CELEBRATING pure sex in marriage” (Joshua Harris). Joshua Harris is one of my favorite authors and in his book Sex is Not the Problem, Lust is he paints a picture of sex being this wonderful thing given to us by God. Sadly, many people think God is trying to STOP them from having a good time. When in reality God is trying to PROTECT people from the emotional, physical and spiritual side effects that come with sex when we CHOOSE to have it outside of marriage. The problem is that as humans we think we know better than God and we make up in our mind how things should go. We say waiting till marriage is too hard or we say I don’t see the value or point in waiting till marriage so I am just going to do me. Then there’s the group of people who reject God all together and live by their own set of morals and standards. Then my favorite group is the folks who claim they cant wait till marriage because they got “NEEDS.” Whelp the truth is whatever group we fall into one thing that is not going to change is God’s STANDARD for sex and its our choice to accept it or reject it.

             I believe it is important to understand that if you have choose to WAIT till marriage that is a beautiful thing. However, it is important to understand that just because you have decided to wait does not mean your urges wait. Sexual urges do not disappear just because you decide to wait till marriage to have sex, trust me I know. However, if not dealt with properly our urges control us.

I want to make one thing clear really quick. Sexual urges are not bad and we should not be ashamed. When those urges come we should thank The Lord and then ask him to help us deal with the urges in a way that is pleasing to him. In the words of my sister in Christ Jackie Hill Perry, “ I know you wanna do it, I know you wanna have ACTIVE WORSHIP .” This video she made relates to a lot of us “I know Im a Christian but I wanna “do it”

             Finally, for all those people who got “NEEDS” who do you think gave you your SEXUAL APPETITE? God is the one who gives us a sexual appetite. This might sound real crazy but God wants you to have sex and lots of it. He just put one condition on it, which is marriage. Maybe we don’t understand why The Lord said wait till marriage. But one thing I have learned is that when The Lord tells us NOT to do something it is for a good reason and we have to TRUST him. It is kind of like when we are kids and an adult tells us not to touch the stove. We are kids so we don’t understand why we shouldn’t do it but we have to trust them and not touch the stove. Nevertheless, there is always that one kid who just have to touch the stove and end up burned. God does not want us to end up burned but the truth is some of us will get burned. The question is how many times do you have to be burned to learn the lesson? The answer to this question is different for each of us. The only thing that is the same for ALL of us is God’s grace and mercy and forgiveness. IF YOU ARE ABOUT THIS LIFE AND WANT TO HONOR THE LORD THEN PRAY and ask the Lord to strengthen you to avoid sexual temptations. Also do not forget you are not fighting lust alone, The Holy Spirit is our HELPER.

"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive.

1 Corinthians 10:23

          

2 YEARS LATER

By Wendiss Star

              
          Many of us believe that if we have not done something for a long period of time our behavior has changed. We believe that if we have stopped drinking, smoking etc for a long period of time we are “good” and do not have to worry about falling back into our old bad habits. However, CHANGED BEHAVIOR is not based on how LONG you have NOT done something. I have heard people say I haven’t done such and such in years and then months later they ended up doing such and such again, after years of NOT doing it. The problem with many of us today is we have not truly changed our bad behaviors we have just been hibernating. Consequently, a lot of folks become prideful and begin to think they are untouchable because they have stopped doing something for a period of time. Sadly, many Christians are walking around with a false sense of victory because they have not done something in a long time and they have allowed time to be an indictor of changed behavior instead of God’s Holy Spirit. It is true that our behavior can change temporarily and in that time we might not do certain things, but eventually we will end up back where we started. The reason most of us end up back where we started is because we think we are “good” because we have not done something in a long time and we stop GUARDING against the very things that caused us to fall.  Changed behavior starts on the INSIDE and is based on a CHANGE IN YOUR ATTITUDE, HEART, & MIND. Allow me to share with you how I was celibate for two years and had mistaken the length of my celibacy for true changed behavior and right standing with God. 

      “For those who think PURITY is simply about not having SEX for a long time... have a lot to learn about purity. Purity is not just the absence of sex during your single years...its the presence of RIGHT thinking, HEALTHY feelings and RIGHT actions. Purity is physical but its also mental, emotional and spiritual. However, when I was 19 years old I did not understand that. I simply thought that if I did not have sex for along time that I was doing good and that is what the Lord wanted. My purity story is not over, it is still being written but I would like to share a chapter of it with you...

        In my first couple of years in college I found myself in compromising situations. It all started with being "lonely" and wanting attention from men. I would allow the guy I was talking to, to visit me late at night. The late night visits led to premature intimacy. I was very lustful and the one thing I did not understand about lust is that it is NEVER satisfied. Lust is a beast and if you don’t kill it, it will kill you! So anyway back to the story...

          So one day I decided I wanted to do things God’s way and wait till marriage to have sex with one man. So I stopped having sex. I thought I was the definition of purity because I wasn’t having sex. Before I knew it, it had been two years that I hadn’t had sex. I remember how I use to tell other brothers and sisters in Christ HOW LONG I HAD NOT HAD SEX and I would feel very proud. I begin to let my guard down and lie to myself. I was basing purity on how long I had not had sex. To make a long story short, I ended up having sex again after two years of being celibate.”

     

        OKAY, so what is the moral of me sharing apart of my story? I do not want other brothers and sisters in Christ to walk around with a false sense of victory or feel proud just because they have not been doing something for a long period of time. Moreover, I do not want us to deceive ourselves into thinking we are “good” and become lazy and let down our guard. The Lord showed me that it does not matter HOW LONG YOU HAVE NOT DONE SOMETHING. The TRUTH is if we are not allowing The Lord to CHANGE us from the INSIDE, we have not truly been changed.  The Lord had to help me see that he was more concerned with my HEART being changed and not the amount of time I had stop having sex because that meant nothing without my attitude, heart and mind being changed. TRUE changed behavior is impossible without a change occurring on the inside of your heart. Have you TRULY changed or have you just been in hibernation ?

A Gift Opened TOO Early

By Wendiss Star

             "This will be the first time I tell this story outside some of my closest friends. But I felt it was time. It could help someone.

I grew up in a Christian home. I have amazing Godly parents and two wonderful older brothers. I went to church every Sunday, Wednesday, all the church camps, and basically any church event there was. All through my time in church I knew sex was bad outside of marriage. People would discuss about the disease you can get and/or unplanned pregnancy, but no one discussed in detail emotionally or mentally or exactly physically what sex can do when you decide to have it before marriage.

I always told myself that I would wait till marriage. That was the plan. That I one day will have something for my future forever that I've never given anyone before.

This past December I went through a very lonely and dry and just plain hard season. I didn't feel God. I didn't hear Him. I felt I was talking to a wall every time I prayed or anything. I felt like I had no friends to talk to or run to. I was all by myself. With the feeling of loneliness swallowing me, I opened a door from a past relationship that was meant to stay shut. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel someone who cared for me...was/is he the man God had for me? No. But I was lonely. I was hurting so I ran to another mans arms thinking he would complete me.

I thought that maybe "this will work, maybe this time we won't break up again." I started lying to my loved ones around me to see him. No one knew. That was a bad idea from the start.

I gave him the gift that should only be opened on your wedding day. I gave him something that he didn't even pay the price for. The pain and heartache I felt wasn't worth opening the gift early. I strictly remember breaking Gods heart. I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights after. And after we had sex, it was like a can of worms had been opened. Sex is a hungry desire that you can never satisfy once it's open. It's always going to leave you wanting more. That's strictly why God says it's for marriage, not just if y'all love each other, it's ONLY for marriage.

For the past few months I have mentally and emotionally going through hell. The lies were louder than the truth. I had thoughts that God didn't love me, He didn't want me, I'm worthless, I'm nothing, what Godly man would want me? What do I have to offer my future husband? I hated when I saw people talking bout virginity on social media cause I wasn't one anymore. Those thoughts were straight from hell. It wasn't until about a month ago I had a sister I was talking to about all this and she told me how God makes all things new. He made me NEW. With all my hurt and shame and guilt, He made me brand new and put His white robe back on me once again.

I know how hard it is to be a virgin in today's generation, but please don't give in. I regret my decision each day but there is nothing I can do but move forward and know that I have been forgiven at the foot of the cross."

                   As I read my sister in Christ story, I could not help but think to myself, “Another story about a gift being opened before its proper time.” It kind of reminds me of Christmas day, when a kid wakes up and rushes to the tree to begin opening their gifts. The reward for them waiting all of that time has finally come and they are overjoyed. BUT there is always that one kid who just could not wait to open their gifts, so they took matters into their own hands. We all know that as kids, it is nothing like waiting till the BIG DAY to open our gifts. A gift opened too early simply spoils the fun and leaves us disappointed. Too often the GIFT OF SEX is opened too early and we are left with soul ties, ETDs     (Emotionally transmitted diseases), STDs and sometime a crazy baby momma or daddy.

For those of you wondering about ETDs…here’s a video

I want to share three things that I believe lead to the gift of sex being opened too early and leave us with side effects such as ETDs, soul ties and the list goes on and on.

1. It all starts with CURIOSITY. I have talk to men and women who have stated the exact same words, “I was just curious.” Over the years I have learned that curiosity left unchecked can be harmful. Curiosity has left many women to care for a baby on their own, because the man was just “curious” he was not looking to start a family. Curiosity has left many men and women confused about their worth. Curiosity seems very harmless but it is often the very thing that gets a lot of us CAUGHT UP! How many times has your curiosity lead you down a road you never thought you would end up on? One of the reasons, the gift of sex is opened too early is simply because of curiosity that has been left unchecked. Do yourself a favor and put your curiosity in its proper place before it puts you in a situation that leaves you emotionally drained and full of regret!

2. What are you feeding your mind? Your mental diet can either make you stronger spiritually or leave you open to the enemy attacks. PLEASE understand that what you feed your mind is just as important as what you feed your body, if not more important. We often talk about having self-control when it comes to what we put in our body but do we ever talk about THOUGHT CONTROL? Thought control is vital to a healthy mental diet. If you want to have a healthy mental diet then you must pay attention to what you read, listen to and watch. Yes, what you read can make you lustful. Yes, the music you listen to can make you lustful. Yes, the movies and TV shows you watch can make you lustful. And just like curiosity, LUST left unchecked can be destructive. Lustful thoughts turn into LUSTFUL ACTIONS if you do not exercise thought control.

3. WRONG DESIRES = WRONG ACTIONS. Our desires cause us to do things because we desire (wish, want, crave, yearn) to do whatever that thing is. Often times we desire to have sex before its proper time and it leads to the gift being opened to early. Now do not get me wrong, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO HAVE SEX! God made sex and sex is good and sex is meant to be enjoyed…IN MARRIAGE! God gave us our sex drive. He is the reason we have a sexual appetite. However, we cannot just indulge in sex carelessly just because we have a strong desire to do it. Our desires, just like our thoughts, have to be controlled and brought into submission to the Holy Spirit.

                     

                      Maybe you have already opened your gift. Maybe your gift is still in the box. Maybe your gift was ALMOST open. Wherever you are right now…its okay! Take what you know and apply it. Do not allow curiosity to lead you astray. Exercise thought control daily. Bring your desires into submission to The Lord. My granny use to tell me, “When you know better you ought to do better.” Make the choice today to do BETTER. 

6 REASONS LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE DOESN’T WORK BY DANIELLE

"Today isn’t for the married ladies.  And since I’m guessing that is who usually reads my stuff, I’m hoping you’ll relate to this…and then forward it to your favorite single girlfriend.

Particularly that girlfriend who’s living with her man.

I was that girl.  Twenty-one years old and only one year into my career as a Design Engineer for a telecom company, I was laid off, and so was my boyfriend of two years.  We each had our own apartments, adorably situated about a 1/2 mile apart…and let’s be real, his was barely used anyway.  Unless it was laundry day.  Otherwise, we were always at my place.

So, when finances were going to get tight, we thought “Let’s be fiscally responsible and move in together.”

That boyfriend did become my husband.  We lived together 9 months before we got engaged, and 2 years before we got married.  Even bought a house together a year before the wedding date.

But, 9 years into marriage, having lived through some of the struggles that came as consequences to our earlier choices as a couple, that is one decision that I would NOT have made (and my husband says the same thing).

Now, here is where you are saying, “Why?  So many couples live together before they marry in our world today.  What is the big deal?”

Very true.  So many couples do live together before they marry.  Not just in the world, but also in the church.  Not just the young couples either, but also those that are entering their second marriages later in life."

"Today, I will share with you what I share with the couples (particularly the ladies) that come through the Marriage Preparation class my husband and I teach.

(1) You can’t “try out” commitment.  That is a completely ironic rationalization.  Couples think they can “try out” this marriage thing by living together, but that doesn’t work because marriage is about more than sharing an address, or expenses, or a bed.  Marriage at its core is all about the commitment.

(2) Your needs are important too.  Do you know what the top need of women typically is in a marriage?  Security.  Commitment.  These are the deep desires of our hearts as women that draws us to look for that man to share our lives with.  His top needs?  Physical responsiveness, companionship, domestic support (yes, he needs someone to help him keep a home.  If you need evidence, head to the nearest bachelor’s pad).  A living-together relationship is more likely to meet his needs than yours.

(3) It sets a norm for selfish living.  This was very evident in my relationship, particularly on my side of things.  I relished in my independence as a young woman…my career, my calendar, my friends, my choices.  I didn’t need to consult my boyfriend on these things, even when we were living together.  But my husband?  Well, he expected to be consulted, or at the very least be considered.  A successful marriage means considering your spouse above yourself.  Being willing to make selfLESS decisions, and this is not the culture created in most living-together relationships.

(4) You shouldn’t have to “earn” the ring.  And that is how many girls are left feeling.  Marriage requires unconditional love, but living together creates a performance-based love.  Be a good girlfriend.  Do all the wife-like duties.  Don’t be too much of a nag or a bore or let your body lose it shape.  And maybe he’ll decide you are good enough for the real deal.

(5) You are more valuable than that.  What happens when the man decides not to marry the live-in girlfriend?  She starts to questions her value.  “Why am I good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry?”  Start thinking that you are TOO valuable to just live with.  Beyonce had it right.  If he likes it, then he should put a ring on it!  You are worth that.  If he doesn’t think so, then he isn’t worth it.

(6) If you want God’s favor, you’ve got to follow God’s ways.  Bottomline…living together is sinful.  I don’t say that is a judging way, but instead as one who has had to go through a journey of realization and repentance for my own sinful choices.  We watch as each of these couples come through our class looking for God’s favor on their marriage.  They don’t want their marriage to go the way of the world, to a miserable existence or to end in divorce, yet they are following the world’s way into marriage.  If you want God’s favor, you’ve got to follow God’s ways.

If we were to put our rational thinking caps on for a moment and consider that deciding to cohabitate with our man before marriage would lead to a lower level of marital satisfaction and put us at a much higher risk for divorce, is that the decision we would make?

No.  Of course not.

Except we do.  And why do we?  Because we think that we are different.  That we are more in love than the couples those statistics talk about.  That our situation is different.

Take it from a girl who had to walk a painful road, and only by God’s grace, isn’t one of those statistics.

You really want to be different?  Make the better choice and wait."

This post was NOT written by  me (Wendiss Star). I have never been married or lived with a man. This post was written by Danielle and you can check her website out at http://fancylittlethings.com/ 

Relationship Problems

By Wendiss Star

         Relationships 101

                                                         

              Nowadays everyone wants to be in a relationship! People cannot wait to enter a relationship just so they can CHANGE their facebook status from single to in a relationship. When you log onto facebook the first thing you see is so and so is in a relationship. When you log onto instagram, depending on what day it is, a man or woman is usually posting a picture of their girlfriend or boyfriend for MCM (Man Crush Monday) or WCW (Woman Crush Wednesday). Please understand I am not bashing folks who publicize their relationship via FB, IG TWITTER, and SNAPCHAT etc. However, I would like to suggest that SOCIAL MEDIA is a major problem within relationships today.  Relationships today are NOT “real” if they are not on social media. Consequently, many men and women lack STUBANSTANCE in their relationships and try to find it through social media by how MANY likes and comments they received. I would love to know how we ended up getting so comfortable with posting everything on social media, especially are relationships! 

Since we use social media for most things, I reached out to folks on social media. I asked folks    WHAT ARE SOME OF THE PROBLEMS WITH RELATIONSHIPS TODAY?

Here’s what folks said…

Insecurity

People RUSH it!

There is no getting to know you stage anymore, people enter relationships based off of attraction.

Lack of Boundaries.

Lack of Trust & respect

Lack of communication

Miscommunication

Lack of accountability

Temptation

Lack of ((PRAYER))).

Lack of reading God's word.

Social media i.e. emojis used by others to comment on ppl in relationships photos...also with the #wcw and #mcm tags some individuals feel insecure if they aren't posted about frequently on the other half’s page

Unrealistic expectations

Improper use of social media

Selfishness

Jumping into a relationship without seeking God first

Forcing the relationship

Not accepting a person flaws

Not Christ-Driven

No Strong Foundation

Honesty/Transparency

Forgiveness and Authenticity are lacking

Loyalty doesn’t exist anymore

Moving in together while dating

1.SOCIAL MEDIA!

2.FAITHFULNESS!

3.LUST!

4.PATIENCE!

5.PREMATURE INTIMACY!

6.God's TIMING!

        Thank you to everyone who took time out to share his or her response. I agree with every response 100%!

The last six responses I added in and those are the ones I will focus on. One thing that I will say is that ALL the responses I received intertwine, connect and have common characteristics with the six I am going to focus on.

       Even though I already touched on social media a little bit, I have a few more things to put on your radar. PLEASE stop telling social media everything about your relationship. Your relationship is YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Everybody and their momma do not need to know you and your man’s business. Learn to keep some stuff to yourself and think of it as a means of protecting your relationship. Every outing does not need to be publicized. Every kiss does not need to be captured on camera and then posted five minutes later. Every time yall break up and make up is between yall. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying people cannot post about their relationships via social media. I am not the relationship social media police. All I am trying to suggest is that we should not use social media as a vehicle to show off our relationships or to add substance to our relationships.

             Now on to the subject of  FAITHFULNESS. Faithfulness is a major issue within relationships today. Speaking from personal experience I have had many men try to pursue me while they are currently in a relationship. Sadly, many women including myself are guilty or have been guilty of not respecting another woman’s relationship with a man. With that being said, we need to understand that being faithful is extremely VITAL to a healthy relationship. Many people have different definitions of what it means to be faithful. Depending on whom you are talking to, some people might think it is perfectly fine to kiss someone as long as it did not reach sex. Now in my opinion, kissing another person you are not with is NOT being faithful. My personal definition of what is means to be faithful is a man or woman only has eyes for his or her other half. Does that mean they are blind and cannot see someone they find attractive? NO. Does that mean they will not be tempted to flirt with another person? NO. Does that mean they cannot talk to a person of the opposite sex? NO. ALL it simply means is that when the temptation comes, and trust me it will come, they will not be shaken by it and will be FAITHFUL to the ONE they choose to be with.

          There is so much I could say about lust and how it can damage a relationship because LUST is such a biggie. LUST is no joke so please do not play around with it. The one thing I see a lot of couples do now is call LUST…LOVE. There is a big difference between lust and love. Lust says I do not care about waiting to marriage to enjoy the gift of sex. Lust says I want you now. Love says because I LOVE Jesus, myself and you, I will wait to enjoy the gift of sex. Love says you are worth waiting for. Lust STEALS, while love GIVES. The only way to experience victory in this area of your relationship is to KILL lust at the root. Take my word for it; if you do not kill lust in your relationship, it will destroy the relationship eventually. In 2 Timothy 2:22 it says, "Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the name of the Lord with pure hearts." On that note, RUN FROM LUST, dont stick around and see what happens!

          Likewise, patience is another biggie in relationships today or should I say lack of patience. If you enter into a relationship impatiently, you will continue to be impatient throughout the relationship. It takes great patience to truly get to know a person. Lack of patience in relationships makes people feel closer than what they really are. Lack of patience rushes intimacy. Lack of patience leads to a man and woman getting engaged prematurely. In a nutshell, LACK OF PATIENCE is lethal to a relationship. If you desire to have a healthy relationship you need to start practicing patience.

          In the same way, premature intimacy is lethal to a relationship just like lack of patience. In my opinion, PREMATURE INTIMACY is the most dangerous out of all them. The reason I feel that premature intimacy is dangerous is because it gives people a FALSE sense of closeness and deceives couples.  Premature intimacy includes having sex outside of marriage, saying I love you too soon etc. A lot of people are in premature relationships and it has led to premature intimacy. Speaking from personal experience I know how hard it is to stop having sex outside of marriage in a relationship. We must understand that no matter how good the physical aspect of the relationship feels, if it is outside of what God says, then it’s destroying the relationship. The only way to have victory in this aspect of your relationship is to be HONEST with yourself, the person your with and The Lord.    

         Lastly, God’s TIMING is the most important factor in a relationship. One of my favorite authors, Joshua Harris said, “ The RIGHT thing, at the WRONG TIME, is still the WRONG thing” in his book Boy Meets Girl. It is important to understand that even if we are in a relationship with the person we love, IF it is not God’s timing…IT WILL NOT WORK! A lot of us have a problem with God’s timing so we take it upon ourselves to act as a god in our own lives. If you do not take anything away from this post, PLEASEEEEEEEEE take this…The same God who created the earth and formed you in your mothers womb, can and will give you a relationship at the RIGHT TIME! So if you are currently in a relationship and know it is not God’s timing, LET IT GO! If you are single, don’t worry, enjoy your season of singleness and allow The Lord to complete his work in you. 

Bye bye unhealthy relationships....Hello HEALTHY relationships.

 Please, Please, Please leave comments if you agree or disagree or just want to share your own experience!